1 STEP FORWARD AND 3 STEPS BACK.

"Hey God, it's me Megan but of course, you know that lol.

It's exactly 3:27 am, and to be honest, I've been sitting here thinking about what to say to you.

I hope it's not too late to start this conversation with you.

I'm not even sure you'll see this but I'll leave a message regardless.

Weirdly, time is not moving at all; today is slower than usual, or maybe that's just on me because I'm still awake when I should be sleeping with all the emotional, mental, and physical fatigue I have going on.

Nevertheless, I'm here just jamming to a very sad playlist, crying my eyes out whilst trying to calm down my awakening anxiety attacks with a side series of breakdowns.

I hate it here, I promise but I don't even know how I got here; just when things felt like they were getting better and I was becoming happier, it just ended with the blink of an eye.

It's like sleeping in so much peace but waking up to another nightmare you never anticipated.

I have a whole list honestly though and just to summarize it all, I think I just hit rock bottom or maybe I have this whole time and this trigger just got me in touch with my reality.

To be utterly honest, I've been tired physically, mentally, and emotionally this past month that even writing made no sense to me!

Hear me out, that's so unusual, right?

This has always been my happy space, how does it not make me happy anymore, how is it not my comfort place anymore?

I can't even get myself to write anything on my pretty sticky notes like I always do on a daily.

It's like there's nothing that's giving me the strength nor the motivation to hold on to that thread.

I am literally on the verge of giving up because honestly, I am really fed up with whatever cycle I have been going through.

You can't even sit there and say I didn't try to fight or hang on or stay strong or sit with both the good and bad times but for how long more?

Don't you even feel exhausted with everything yourself, the uncertainty and the hopelessness?

What is it gonna take you or me to actually get through this phase?

I honestly can't keep on getting better and going back to the same dark and frustrating hole of darkness, excruciating pain, and non-ending anguish!

I've dealt with so much off-late, a babe here could really use a break...CUT!!!!

For starters, please get me out of this Imposter Syndrome pit that I have gotten so comfortable in.

I know you might probably feel offended because this babe right here that you made in a very extraordinary and unique manner is actually struggling with a lot of self-doubt and external comparison but hear me out, please.

You know just how much I struggle with feeling good enough at the things I do, perfectionism is actually the word.

What if I'm not doing enough and giving enough?

What if I am not good at what I do juu have you seen just how people out here are just shining in their line of talents and even education-wise whilst doing extraordinary things whereas, there's me that is trying to figure out if I am even supposed to be doing any of the things I do!

I know so many people around me believe in me and even commend my potential but still, I can't help but feel inadequate or incompetent at what I do!

Aaaaahh, I don't know if you feel me; Am I even making sense?

I feel so stagnant and immovable.

Now, this is where it gets juicy!

Day in, day out, I sit in the stillness and emptiness of my bedroom, as I lie in bed with tears in my eyes and zero motivation and energy to get out of bed and do anything.

I just scroll through Twitter, watch Tiktoks, look at people's stories on Instagram, make sure I don't kill streaks on Snapchat, and then text back a few individuals on Whatsapp because I don't want them to worry about me.

It has become a routine now and that scares me because I can't do this all over again.

I either sleep all day to escape reality or stay up for a better part of the night because I either can't sleep or because that's the only time I get to myself so I just ball my eyes out entirely.

I either eat too much as a stress coping mechanism or I am not eating at all because I have zero appetite.

God, imagine you even watch me on days I have to prep myself in front of the mirror before living the house to make sure my camouflage and masking tendencies work when I go out with my friends.

Ding dong, this rings a bell, right?

We are doing this all over again and you think it's fair?

I'm pretty sure you are even mad at me for cutting the other day and you'd probably say I should have acted better but you and I both know that self-harm is way more satisfying; though you don't agree with me anyways lol!

I really tried to fight the urge but it was either that or something worse which btw I am still fighting. The urge to forget reality, I promise I will not let it win.

Yet again, I am becoming so frustrated as I begin to slowly watch myself become a present but disconnected viewer in a mental and emotional play where the pain and darkness play the lead character and the voices in my head narrate everything all through making the moment a whole lot tougher.

I am losing the power to control and manage, I am losing my strength and patience.

AAAAAAARGHHHHH! I want it all to stop, I am so fed up!

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, "Hello, ni Megan, your mum has been hit by a bus"

I remember vividly that you watched me die in panic, completely confused and in massive shock with non-ending tears in my eyes as I awaited hours for any further communication from the caller.

All I could think about was, "What is going on, have I lost her?"

I couldn't even bring myself to go see her in that state about a day later or so.

I could have lost her God, it could be a completely different story now!

She is selfless, loving and the kindest person ever...she didn't deserve any of this!

How are you even able to look at her in pain, crying, and feeling like she's becoming a burden?

You know what, I have had just enough of all this.

I can't do this anymore.

Anyways, let me just take all this in and I'll talk to you again maybe!"

"It's always 1step forward and 3 steps back"

---

"My lips say, 'Fine, thanks,' but my eyes tell a different story, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps."

Dear Tribe🔆🦋,

You see I wrote this about three weeks ago. I was really mad and going through a very hard time but a babe here was just no feeling like journalling about it so I came on here to rant about it.

To be honest, I was really done and I could feel myself drowning the more my emotions were becoming overwhelming.

The incident with my mum was such a trigger that poked a lot of undealt with pain, emotions, and situations so it really drained me.

I was back to habits I had forgone for a long while; self-harm, bad eating habits, and messed-up sleep schedules.

I just wanted to exist on my own as I barely even had the strength to cling on to that little thread of existence lol.

I am emotional reading this now, today, because I see just how much progress I have made since then even after thinking I would not pull through that phase of my life.

I'm happier and each day I try to do that for myself in the smallest of ways.

I commend myself for leaving the bed, showering even if not often, making my hair, doing my night and morning skincare routine, reading a page of a book, jamming to music, and even making the bed; it's always the little things that make a big difference.

This period has been a bit lighter and easier because of humans that have held my hand and opened their arms to embrace me all through. My friend group and close family members have been it for me🌺🤎.

I am honestly a blessed girl to have these humans come through for me in the biggest and smallest of ways; they made sure I was okay and I was smiling through the hard times.

I am overwhelmed by the love and especially this one boy that was exceptionally patient with me in my breakdowns and tears and moments I just wanted to be on my own, thank you Sir!🥰✨

However, I have learned so much this past few months, "Things fall apart while simultaneously coming together!"

I bummed into this tweet today and it made so much sense heeeh!

Dear readers, I have learned to be patient, to be resilience, to look at life from diverse perspectives, to allow myself to be vulnerable with those close to me and ask for help because it's okay and most importantly that it's okay to feel things and express them🌺🦋.

Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but nothing is as beautiful as overcoming something you thought would end you and the funniest part is that somehow you think you've gone through so much then something worse ends up happening all over again.

Surprisingly, you still bloom because the previous experience taught you resilience no matter how tough things felt like.

Hang in there my love, I promise the puzzle comes together in the end and it gets better!

No matter how long it takes!🥺🤎

📌Anyways I just wanted to leave this here as I announce that I am back from my break with more entries and surprises as well. Thank you Jossy for always pushing me to write, I love you!❤

🌸🤎SONG RECOMMENDATION🤎🌸

Ebu head on now and stream Kinoti's new banger if you haven't. It's called "Enough' and I absolutely love love the song!😍😍🔥🔥

"Karibu", "Love me" and "Unavyonipenda" by Charisma are a must-listen-to as well because why are you not even listening to Charisma and you're normal🤗😂!

I also discovered a new artist called Izzy Bizu and I stan please🙌😍!

Anyways, I have been vibing to "Love Song" by Mutoriah and songs that I have listened to more than 1000 times mostly so that's it from me!😊🌺

🌸🤎NETFLIX RECCOMENDATION🤎🌸

NEVER HAVE I EVER SEASON 3 is now showing on Netflix so go stream!😍❤ I am so ready for Devi's drama heeh!

THE SUMMER I TURNED PRETTY is definitely an 11/10 for me if you enjoy teen drama dang!🔥🥰

THE GRAY MAN is also really good!🔥🔥

COUNTRY QUEEN AND NAIROBERY because Kenya's acting industry is elevating with zero chills!🔥😎

Stay safe over this election period and choose peace.

I hope you enjoy today's read🤗🌸.

All my love,

Megan Mutheu🦋🤎