To those we leave behind!

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Dedicated to all the souls, loved ones, and friends we have lost to the battle of Suicide. May their souls rest in eternal peace🥺🕊❤.

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Madam Counselor, It's now almost a week since she left, and I would be lying if I said that I feel any different because when you lose someone you love, I believe you lose a piece of yourself as well.

To be honest, I have pondered a lot on why existing or life is important since then.

You know when you sit with you're whole existing being wondering why you exist, I think it happens to everyone from time to time but my point is, why do others get that chance to leave and others get the chance to stay and deal with life?

Is there like a random selection or something because I genuinely feel like the ones that leave deserve to stay and the ones who stay never even want it at all?

Correct me if I am wrong but that's my theory, I mean have you ever lost someone and felt like they truly and honestly deserved it?

There's so much on my mind I wanna speak out but I can't find the words at all.

I am so sorry I don't even understand why I am crying but I can't deal with this pain inside,

Everyone says she's in a better place and I should think about the positives and I should allow myself to breathe and feel everything as I grieve.

I know this is selfish of me but what about me? What about me?

Who do I call during odd hours of the night because they understand me better than anyone else, who do I rant out about things I feel are so complex and hard and weird for any other human apart from her?

Does this mean I have to open up to a whole new human or I could deal on my own like I always have don't you think?

What happens now? Can you help me with that Madam Counselor?

I sit here in the stillness of everything, my heart has been nothing but heavy this past one week and my emotions are entirely numb and as I like to put it, "I feel like a zombie."

My eyes are completely dry because I've cried enough to cry anymore, it's all shocking and the pain in me consumes my every being with each passing day.

Ever since I got the news, all I have been able to do is sit in bed to reminisce on the amazing times we once shared, her laughter is all my ears can hear, the feeling when she'd pull me closer to her on days my monsters had won over me, her smile that was worth a thousand words and our hangouts that included so much gossip, rather "exchange of information" because we'd only see each other once maybe twice every month, so you can't blame us for all the catching up on each others' lives we had to do but sadly that was before the world beneath her feet began to sink and nothing around this planet made sense to her.

She was sinking so fast, afraid to cry for help, or maybe she was just too tired that she allowed herself to drown.

Fun fact is, months before she let go of the sword and gave up the fight, she was alright, or rather she wanted me to believe she was okay so that I could let her help me navigate life through my own storms, I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person!

I should have known right?

I should have realized that she wasn't the same person I had known for years right?

I should have paid more attention to the silence, to the things she never spoke about right?

I should have been there enough for her the same way she was for me right?

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!......Make it stop, the guilty, the pain, the disappointment, make it all stop!

I really wanna ask her so many questions, just one to be specific, "Why didn't you tell me anything?"

Let's call her Sunshine because that was what she was to me, I met her at a time in my life when things were not adding up and she took me in, no questions asked, and promised to always be there for me.

Yes, she was indeed a sweet girl, the most selfless of humans I have ever experienced, she had a beautiful heart, a smile so radiant and contagious, and her aura was nothing other than good vibes and peace.

I could definitely not get enough of her warm hugs, she felt like home, a safe space that didn't care what you brought to the table because as long as she loves you, she will do everything in her power to show up for you.

I guess we were alike in that way but somewhere along the way, I let her do all that for me because I was too consumed by life to remember she was also drowning.

And yes I know you think I am a bad friend now but I promise it was not intentional, I let her mad masking skills deceive me and never really paid attention to the things unsaid and unseen.

I should have done more and maybe she'd still be here!

Excuse me Mrs. Consellor, I just figured out what I wanna say to her "I am so sorry Sunshine that I did not show up for you the same way you did, I should have done more."

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Dear Sunshine,

I am so sorry I wasn't there enough for you. For a while, I kept on wondering why you would leave without even saying a word or leaving a letter behind but for what it's worth, I am so proud of you for the 8 months you fought and held on to hope without giving up. I know you tried as much as you could to fight for your family and those you loved and those you felt needed you to hold on to that thread that was slowly slipping your hands.

I have watched you cry so hard and deal with so much but hey, you never gave and it never stopped you from smiling. It would be cruel of me if I said I understood what you were going through because, to be honest, I don't even think I fully knew how much you were losing it let alone understood you.

For days and months, I asked you to hang on, take my hand and face everything together but now I realize that no matter what more I would have done, it was always you my love.

It was always you that dealt with the pain and the thoughts and depression all on your own.

At the end of the day, it was you and only you that understood the intensity of how you felt and had to battle with your mind and emotions every passing day.

There's so much I want to ask and maybe give you one last very tight hug but I promise you, I will hang on to our memories together, I will try so much to make sure your dreams come through and you still get to live on even when you are gone.

I will go to Maldives and Mauritius for you, I will have that grand 50th birthday you wanted so bad for you, I will take your shosho those yummy peanuts she loved, I will always try to dress up as you loved and by the way, I am keeping all your boots and that red mink coat I love so much, I will make sure your bucket list is ticked fully and most importantly I will make sure I don't beat myself up for not doing enough because you'd pinch me if you were still here.

I am gonna miss you so much you have no idea.

It might take me some time to get over it all but I promise I won't forget you❤❤.

I'll make sure I keep on being me to my friends and reaching out to as many as I can to make sure they're okay.

Oh, and your sister said that she's mad at you for leaving before your birthday and we were meant to go on Vacay but we forgive you!

Rest in peace Sunshine🕊🥺.

I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you always!

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Hello tribe🥰🤎✨

I hope we are all doing well and keeping warm and sane of course 🦋😊. My apologies for not writing this entire month but the thing is that I was meant to take a break but I really felt the urge to write today so here I am.

Now that I think about it, this month has honestly not been the best for me emotionally and mentally but thanks to my inner circle that I love so much for keeping me sane.

You guys you know seeing your people and getting a whole wave of energy to deal with life is a thing damn!🤗🤎

Regardless, this month has just been a lot with things not working out as expected and all that but I guess just trusting the process and God as well has been it for me no matter how bad and difficult things got.

Shoutout to anyone dealing with any sort of pain no matter how small, anyone dealing with any kind of loss, anyone that is not at their best, and anyone that is really struggling to stay alive. Hang in there, please don't give up!😪❤I see you, I love you and I am so proud of you!🔆🦋

Please check up on you're people, everyone is battling some silent battles, and spreading love, support and kindness really does more than you can think🥺❤

I wanted to go on with the entry but I didn't want to trigger anyone so maybe I will do part 2 to talk about suicide awareness at large✨.

I am grateful for the gift of love and a support system🥺🤎.

SONG SUGGESTION❤: Go stream my bestest Ochiko, Yours has been my jam for most of this week😍. Guys, I am so sorry but I have been cheating on Ethan and Kinoti with Marry u twice by Charisma and I am not even ashamed😅😩. Oh, and you should definitely listen to a duo I bumped into called Us The Duo, I am so in love with safe🥰🥰.

MOVIE SUGGESTION❤:

Love and Gelato and Along for the ride are definitely worth the watch for my lovey-dovey movie lovers. I am forever a lovergirl😍🔆.

Also, don't forget stranger things Vol. 2 is July 1.....I am so excited🎉🤗😍.

Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨! So much love for you all tribe❤🦋! God loves you🥰❤! You are doing great❤! I am proud of you🦋🥰! Love and Light!✨❤!