2021 soundtrack...playlist of events.

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"Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melody Beattie

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Happy holidays tribe🤎🎄🎉!

I trust we are all doing amazeballs and having an awesome festive season whether you are holidaying on vacay or eating mangoes in ushago ( just because my ushago is having the mango season going on😂😂, warrup my Kamba people🤭😂), or binge-watching Emily in Paris, or staying in bed all day or even just spending time with family and friends. Honestly, guys, I don't know if it's just me but this Christmas did not Christmas as it always Christmases but I really had an amazing time with the fam regardless so we thank Jesus periodtt!😊❤

Not like anyone asked but my homa is ending and I am now back to owing my beaurifullll voice😍. I am so happy to be writing again and this time it's not that I didn't want to write but I just got consumed by the festivities and barely had time to leave a message and I also wanted you all to enjoy as well and come back fresh so I am so happy you are here now reading this😊Sending so much love and hugs❤.

Shoutout to everyone that celebrated this season for the first time without a loved one, everyone that feels like things have been difficult and different for them since Covid began, and everyone that did not think they'd be here this Christmas but made it through regardless😊❤I am so proud of you and I am rooting for you. Most importantly God loves you😊💯.

📌P.S: I have actually gotten my energy back up and running. I noticed this at the beginning of last week because I had an intense general cleaning in my room (Discovered cups and plates from like 1888 jeez 😂😂😑), changed my sheets, pillowcases, and towels, had such a long shower guys, did some intense skin care and nail care, changed my whole room arrangement and drew my curtains😊📌. Sounds petty and pretty normal but guys I had not done these so-called normal things for like about two weeks apart from skincare because it's one thing that has been consistent for me😊 so the fact that I got the strength to do all that just always tells me that I am making internal progress and I have just gotten over whatever phase I had going. I am so excited yaani, it just feels good to be back🙌.

📌This is going to be the second last blog entry of the year so I will most definitely tell you all the big announcement of the month on my last entry as promised. Stay tuned mates!🎉🎉

Song of the week you know Kesho Kutwas can not be missing here juu heeh I can never not listen to this song😍😂. The story I'll tell by Maverick and Naomi Raine has been an absolute mood for me as well and for the Christmas spirit, That's Christmas to Me by Pentatonix has been vibes on vibes for me since forever gosh.

🤎Ladies and gents, take a soundtrack journey with me if you may of what 2021 has been like for me🤎

🔆So earlier today, I was listening to a certain playlist on my Spotify and every song that played took me to a specific memory about this year, good and bad memories all together and immediately I thought to share how my journey this year has looked like with the help of songs🙂.

I sat on my bed, counting my knuckles to figure out how many days December has. ( Imagine don't even laugh at me but I still do that unapologetically lol😂😂) and all I could tell myself was, "I am so proud of the person you are becoming each day and for the immense growth I see in you"

🔆This year has been the first year I have actually experienced mental and emotional healing for real in 10 years. The pain is there every once in a while of course because you can never forget everything just like that but truth be told I handle it better now. I don't self-harm or keep quiet about something I am going through or starve myself, etc, but I reach out to the few people I trust, working on forgiving who I need to (Might actually be strong enough to tell you all what really prompted my mental illness but somewhere within next year for sure🤗), and just letting go of everything that was weighing me down bits by bits.

My self-esteem and confidence have also gone so above the graph than where they were before and I love and believe in myself a little bit more each day🥺🦋.

The realization of how beautiful life can be has gotten me questioning and laughing at myself for wanting to let go tbh🤗😂Like I am just asking myself, "Sasa ulikuwa unataka kwenda halafu?"

I never used to understand why I was been forced to stay when I just didn't want to be here. I remember times I would just tell myself and God, "Imagine hapa kuna life free unaweza pea mtu ako hosi dying then you just let me go!" I would cry in so much pain because then, it seemed like a dead-end to me like there was nothing more to live for because I was honestly so done with life.

Kwanza, I lost three friends (all girls) to suicide in 2020, May their souls continue to rest in peace, but as much as I was so heartbroken, I was so angry because it only took them one trial to end their lives and someone like me by then had tried close to 15 whole times but wapi😂😩.

(Ebu let me hear or see someone judge me or whatever juu aki the strength it takes to come out of my shell and open up about all this is immense. Also, this is just my anxiety talking, nawapenda🤗!)

Anyways long story short, this has been an amazing year for me even with its many obstacles and tears, and tough situations because I have grown in so many aspects.

For instance, I knew I always loved writing but before it was just a way of expressing myself. Then 2021, someone shook me off my comfort zone and now I write these amazing scripts I am still in awe of because I am not yet acquainted with this new person I am becoming. Like, come on Megan, what more about you am I yet to see? Do I like need an operating manual or something because wueeh I am not even ready😍🎉🙌.

We can not forget about this blog as well, like I just can't believe how I am here doing all this opening up to you all but the feedback I get each day keeps me going and of course, at the end of the day, it's all God tbh, there's no other explanation to the transformation I have experienced this year!🔆🤎

🦋❤One more thing I am grateful for is how God has been crossing my path with amazing humans I have grown to love so much. Friends and an immense support system that has my back on a daily. Shoutout to my squad. I heart you guys so much for putting up with me and for all the support I have gotten especially towards the Paradox play and when I began my blog.

You are all God sent in your own unique ways😭❤.

📌Anyways before this discussion si we look at the playlist yes?😊

🔆Megan Mutheu's 2021 playlist of events, emotions, journeys, experiences, lessons, and situations.

😭January

If you see the girl I used to be, Could you tell her that I'd like to find her. And if you see the shell that's left of her, Could you spare her a little kindness?

'Cause I've been high and I've been low, I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight, And feelings come but they won't go, Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind.

Am I broken? Am I flawed? Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I just another fake, messed up lost cause? 'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there to save me from the nightmare that I call myself.

I've tried everything and anything but nothing seems to work quite like it should. Between the madness and the apathy seems there's nothing left inside of me that's good.

😪February

Thought I found a way, Thought I found a way out, But you never go away, So I guess I gotta stay now.

Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here, Even if it takes all night or a hundred years, Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near, Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear.

Isn't it lovely, all alone, Heart made of glass, my mind of stone, Tear me to pieces, skin to bone, Hello, welcome home!

😩March

Here I am on this bridge facing defeat, I'm just doing the best I can, I'm just living in the life I have, I'm confused but I'm fine with that.

The beauty will outweigh the pain, From the chill of autumn wind to the first snow when it sets in, The beauty will outweigh the pain, We'll all find a purpose one day. There are so many reasons to stay, No I don't wanna die, I just don't wanna live. Why can't I reach out for help, They would do anything to get me through this, I'm so used to being alone, I don't know what it's like to let someone in, But I'd do anything just to survive!

🙃April

I don't like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary, Wish that I could slow things down, I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic.

And I drive myself crazy, Thinking everything's about me. Yeah, I drive myself crazy, Cause I can't escape the gravity.

I'm holding on, Why is everything so heavy? Holding on, To so much more than I can carry.

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down, If I just let go, I'd be set free. Holding on, Why is everything so heavy?

💔May

Laying in the silence, waiting for the sirens, signs, any signs I'm alive still. I don't wanna lose it, but I'm not getting through this. Hey, should I pray? should I pray? To myself? To a God? To a savior who can,

Unbreak the broken, Unsay these spoken words, Find hope in the hopeless, Pull me out of the train wreck, Unburn the ashes, Unchain the reactions,

I'm not ready to die, not yet. Pull me out of the train wreck!

😢June

Standing in your ruins feels a lot like the end, So used to losing, you're afraid to try again. Right now all you see are ashes, Where there was a flame, Truth is that you're not forgotten, Cause Grace knows your name,

God's not done with you, Even with your broken heart and your wounds and your scars, God's not done with you, Even when you're lost and it's hard and you're falling apart, God's not done with you. It's not over, it's only begun! So don't hide, don't run, Cause God's not done with you!

He's got a plan, this is part of it. He's gonna finish what He started!

🥺July.

Wide awake while the world is sound asleep, Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreaming, Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you, Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you. Every day you try to pick up all the pieces, All the memories, they somehow never leave you. Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you, Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you.

God only knows what you've been through, God only knows what they say about you, God only knows how it's killing you, But there's a kind of love that God only knows. God only knows what you've been through, God only knows what they say about you. God only knows the real you, There's a kind of love that God only knows.

🥰August

God of Abraham, You're the God of covenant, And of faithful promises, Time and time again, You have proven, You'll do just what You said.

Though the storms may come and the winds may blow, I'll remain steadfast. And let my heart learn, when You speak a word, It will come to pass.

Great is Your faithfulness to me, Great is Your faithfulness to me, From the rising sun to the setting same, I will praise Your name, Great is Your faithfulness to me.

🤗September

🥱And nothing hurts anymore, I feel kinda free

I'm still the kid I used to be, yeah.

I put my hand on the stove, to see if I still bleed.

Yeah, and nothing hurts anymore, I feel kinda free

✨All things are possible when we believe. Old chains are breakable when we receive. Yahweh, You keep Your promises. If You said it, we believe it!

We have this confidence, You'll finish what you started,

God, You have never failed. You won't start with me!

You're present in every step, Patient in every heartache.

God, You have never failed, You won't start with me!

🔆October

I'm living proof of what the mercy of God can do. If you knew me then, you'd believe me now! You turned my whole life upside down, took the old and He made it new, That's just what the mercy of God can do.

Now I'm alive to tell the story of how I've overcome. It's His goodness and mercy and the power of His blood. I'm so glad that my freedom wasn't based on what I've done. But the goodness and mercy, and the power of the blood. I thought I deserved, Oh, to be six feet beneath the earth For all the things I've done, the things I've said. The choices made that I regret I would still be lost, But for the mercy of God now I'm alive to tell the story!

🤎November.

🤗Before I knew my name, before I drew a breath, He was making ways for me. Now and every day, in each and every step, He is making ways for me.

When my heart is full of doubt, feels like faith is running out,, I've come too far to turn around. I know, God will work it out, God will work it out. One thing I know, One thing I've found, God will work it out.

😍All my life, I've been carried by grace, Don't ask me how 'cause I can't explain. It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here, I've got some blessings that I don't deserve, I've got some scars, but that's how you learn, It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here.

I think it over and it doesn't add up, I know it comes from above.

I've got miracles on miracles, A million little miracles, Miracles on miracles. Count your miracles: One, two, three, four, I can't even count 'em all!

🦋December.

✨The hour is dark and it's hard to see what You are doin' here in the ruins and where this will lead, Oh, but I know that down through the years I'll look on this moment and see Your hand on it. And know You were here, and I'll testify of the battles You've won, How You were my portion when there wasn't enough, And I'll testify of the seas that we've crossed, the waters You parted, the waves that I've walked.

📌It is coming from my heart, praise and thanks unto You Lord

For all the things that You have done, I'm grateful for Your love, I give You the praise.

(Highkey dancing to this song whilst blogging, I am so happy I have seen the end of 2021 tbh.)

To be continued...

Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨!

So much love for you all tribe❤🦋!

God loves you🥰❤!

You are doing great❤!

I am proud of you🦋🥰!

Love and Light!✨❤!