Blurry...dark...cold...will I see the end of the tunnel?

Before I knew my name before I drew a breath, He was making ways for me. Now and every day, in each and every step, He is making ways for me.

When my heart is full of doubt, feels like faith is running out, I've come too far to turn around, I know,

God will work it out, God will work it out, One thing I know, One thing I've found, God will work it out!

Pushing past the fear, fighting to relief, He is making ways for me. And He won't let me down, never ever leave, He's still making ways for me.

When my heart is full of doubt, It feels like faith is running out. I've come too far to turn back 'round, I know,

God will work it out, God will work it out, One thing I know, One thing I've found, No, I know God will work it out. Oh, God will work it out, God will work it out. One thing I know, One thing I've found, Oh, God will work it out!

Hi mates🦋🤎,

Happy holidays and I hope we are all doing well😊. I am really sorry I have been away but I sought of took a break to work on a few things and myself as well. I was really drained mentally, physically, and emotionally and I just wanted to feel lazy kidogo for some time as much as I had other things going on but I am super happy to be back here😊🥰I missed you all so much!

I am back better and well-rested😊, kwanza leo I have been in bed all day, binging some of my favorite old-time animations. As much as this sounds weird, watching animations and jamming to their soundtracks makes me feel so much better🤷‍♂️😂. Hmu for a Spotify Disney playlist, I won't judge😂😂infact we will be the best of friends.

Dear friends, as much as I have been exhausted and not at that place emotionally, this period has been such a learning and growing time for me in so many aspects😊🔆 God has taken me through it all stronger and happier, and of course my support system❤. Kuna times tu I would cry so hard and nothing made sense, till way later you get to understand what you needed to learn and know from a certain situation (Lakini mimi I still don't get why we have to go through all that, like there's no other better and happier way aiiii😂🤷‍♂️) Lakini they say, he works it all out for our own good😊.

Shoutout to anyone feeling overwhelmed by certain things happening in their lives. It's okay to take a break from whatever it is you need to whether it's your phone or friends, name it and it is definitely okay not to be okay📌🙃

I am rooting for you and sending you so much love🦋🤎. You are gonna get through this honey😊!

📌P.S: My biggest highlight is definitely 12th December 2021. A stage play I scripted for and also got casted for was a success🎉✨and why I am so happy is because this proved my anxiety and worries wrong! Like 10-0 guys juu how I was stressing over this due to some external factors was not even easy. Yet again, I got to unlock potential in me that I never knew existed and experienced so much internal awakening and personal growth. All thanks to God😊🎉and the support squad as well❤.

Song recommendation is God will work it out because it reminded me not to worry so much in that phase I was in🤎😊and Kesho Kutwa that is officially song of the year in my heart🥰😭😭😭You'll should listen to Kesho Kutwa💯😍!!!!!!.

🔆Anyways, our last discussion was about #Depression. Let's pick it up from where we left shall we?😊 I actually found pictures of me when I was on antidepressants and I was shocked because that was not me in those pictures...all plump and dark and unhappy lmao🙃 My medications were mainly to help with sleep, food, and suicidal thoughts as well as anger issues and depressive emotions. They just kept everything in check and never got rid of anything really because if you skip a dose or you don't take them, you just go back to square one. This happened for close to a year plus therapy on a weekly basis at first. My anger issues were always a result of frustration and triggers so I always ended up breaking things like mirrors and glasses. It got to a point where mirrors barely existed in my house apart from my mum's room but I was barely bothered since I never loved looking at myself in the mirror smh.

📌Below are the side effects of using antidepressants (From my personal experience):

1: Nausea and increased appetite.

2: Change in sleep pattern and for me I slept alot.

3: Trouble concentrating or focusing especially at school for me so I also ended up blaming myself for being slow.

4: Increased weight!!!

5: Peculiar dreams that never make sense.

6: More feelings of depression.

7: Feeling very agitated or restless.

8: Feeling hyperactive.

9: Hallucinations.

📌If you go through any of this, just hang in there no matter how hard it gets. Talk to your psychologist at all times about how you feel. It gets so serious sometimes do you can even open up to people who know about what you are going through😊.

🔆Depression disorder happens over time and the victim never knows they have depression till diagnosed or it's pinpointed by someone else. It can be for weeks, months, or even years. It is confused for sadness a lot of times. As I pointed out before, mine was a result of personal life experiences I had gone through like family issues, the environment and circumstances I grew up around and so much more. When it began kicking in, I remember I'd fall ill or pass out a lot so people always had a story to it since then mental health was never a thing. I have always been painted so many things and it left scars in me to date because they all made judgments without even asking what was going on with me. I watched people come and promise to be there for me but walk away because they got tired of either trying to 'fix' me or understand what was actually going on🙃😭Trust me, I still get that to date. They wanna hear your side of the story just to create a perceptive of you or judge you or even talk about you or whatever. (Part of the reason I was so skeptical with this whole blog idea at first) It hurts a lot that you have to go through all that for something you didn't ask upon yourself and when people you expect to have your back and understand you just do the exact opposite😪.

I had to learn the hard way after blaming myself for being naive enough to trust people who end up hurting me😭, that not everyone you let in comes with good intentions

Yet again, I believe we just have expectations sometimes because you would do just that much for the other person or you just can't do what they did to you to them. (Jeez sasa mbona nalia😂🙃)

Anyways, my mum and an aunt of mine began noticing something was up last year in May, and ladies and gentlemen I was a total rebel then. Arrogant and I didn't really care about anything at the time, school especially so I slugged kiasi. I always threw tantrums, I became very disrespectful to anyone that tried to reach out, never ate, showered, or left my bed at times. Yaani it was just so messed up that they had to lie to me to get me to go to see a therapist without me knowing juu singeenda wadau😂🙌.

So on this specific day, I had like self-harmed using a scalpel so my hand was pretty injured. I slept over at a friend's that night because my mum wanted to be sure there was nothing more I could do to myself because I mean I had to act okay when I get there so I could not do anything🙃.

The next day my friend's mum just said that I have to go get a tetanus shot so my mum and auntie picked me up and we went to this hospital in Upperhill. I didn't even realize it was a psychiatrist till way later into the conversation and somehow opening up for the first time in 9 years about everything black and white felt so relieving. I remember breaking down as if I had just gotten freed for a minute from a dark and smoky prison. I felt peace for those few minutes in there!😊

Ladies and gents, that's how it all began.

To be continued...

Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨!

So much love for you all tribe❤🦋!

God loves you🥰❤!

You are doing great❤!

I am proud of you🦋🥰!

Love and Light!✨❤!