DISEMBODIMENT OF MY DECEPTIVE PIECES.

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Shoutout to Jossy Nzau for giving me the strength to be here today. I have so much love for you that's for sure!🦋❤

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Since the times when I was a little, bubbly and jovial girl with hair accessorized with very colorful "bladas" or whatever it is those things were called back then, which by the way I think spoke volumes about who I was and still am as a person but this is entirely a whole other story by itself.

So anyway, what I was trying to say before I diverted like I always do is that ever since my childhood days, everyone in my life seemed to always say one or two specific things about me," You're too outspoken for your age!", "You have a very wide imagination for someone your age!"

Thus, for the longest, I used to think it was a bad thing, especially being very outspoken and mouthy which had gotten me into a lot of trouble as a child and sometimes even at my very big age right now😑😂.

However, a realization hit me and changed my whole perception!

I realized that talking a lot made my demons, every ghost that haunted me less quiet, less active, and maybe a little bit less harmful, and as for my very wide imagination, that was an escape from a reality that I did not want to be a part of, whether or not that was how I was meant to handle it but come on can you blame a six-year-old girl living a life she was meant to live maybe at 12 for wanting to just believe that she was part of something greater, maybe royalty.

Fun fact, I began writing at the age of ten. I would watch shows like Barbie, Mara Clara and Angel friends then go write my own version of the story and at times even use my queen bee power to get my classmates to act out the previous day's episodes in school, with me playing the main character of course😂🙌.

Aaaaah those were definitely beautiful times of my life because, in those moments, I lived my fantasies, I was happy and maybe slightly content with who I was outside my real life🌝.

Regardless, I forgot that this whole time I was living my fantasies but still living a lie because let's face it, that was not who I was so in return maybe I lost touch with who I really was with the passing years.

Time went by so fast and I guess I got comfortable in the lies and I think to top it off, the fact that I was never content with this real self, I lied a lot🙃, something I'm not proud of.

I lied about who I was, where I lived, who my parents were, where I went over the holiday, and so on and so forth yet again the crazy part has to be about how the lies just kept on increasing and growing with age, circumstances, and experiences.

On a serious note, I am so sure dear reader, up to this point you think that maybe I'm opening up a little bit too much but I would love to believe something I learned this week because it's taken me great personal loss to realize that maybe being honest about who you are and what you're made of and the kind of life you live isn't really a bad thing whether or not you are afraid of what they'd think and take you for or if you're worried they'll give up on you or walk away.

One more thing, I tend to believe being honest about things you struggle with and leaving them out in the light actually helps us individually to heal, get better or even work on being better versions of ourselves.

As Joey King says in the movie "The In-between", " Each one of us is haunted by ghosts. The ghosts of childhood trauma, unfulfilled dreams, lost love, and like so many people, I believed that if I just ignored these ghosts, they would eventually go away. This turned out to be wrong because just like our fears, these ghosts gain strength in darkness such that when we run, they run faster, and when we push, they push harder."

To be honest, this made me realize several ghosts of my own I was hiding from because I was too scared to see what they look like or what they would do to me and those I loved thus, one of them has to be lying.

I sat down with myself and realized that I lie as a coping mechanism, I lie to protect myself from intrusive thoughts that make me feel unwanted or judged or condemned or not belonging if I tell the truth about certain aspects of my life💔🙃.

(I am actually typing this with tears in my eyes because I opened my laptop to post an entry not even knowing what to talk about but trusting my mind and heart to speak out like they always do every single time I am in this space🥺.)

I guess now you believe me when I say that I write in the most vulnerable phases of my life, this feels like home, maybe the only place I can just be me and not feel bashed or condemned because I won't see your reactions when either of you reads this but my heart is still afraid all together because maybe you'll change your perception on me🙃.

Yet again, I had to bring myself to an understanding that how people choose to think or react to what I say or how I behave is not my fault and they have every right to behave or react as they see fit whether it's right or wrong to me.

Long story short, all I am trying to say is that we must attend to our flaws and not hide them.

This is definitely not with a motive of changing who we are because truth be told, they will always be a part of who we are and who we hope to be.

They will always be inclined toward our personalities because let's face it, no one is 100% perfect without blemishes.

It is only when we acknowledge and welcome them, that we will be able to understand how to navigate around them thus making new possibilities for a better version of ourselves.

Possibilities of loving ourselves more, possibilities of being content with who we are, and possibilities of healing all together🦋.

Is it that easy? No, it's definitely not but the single step you make each day in that journey is going to make a big difference to whatever part of yourself you are working on🤎🌞!

In the spirit of honesty, my writing today is inspired by the fact that I may or may have not lost someone I love so much because I lied consistently about the smallest of things you can ever imagine.

I was afraid that maybe they would not look at me the same way if they saw me for who I really am, what I am really made of😔.

Trust me, it's always the smallest of things you think that are not important or valuable. It's those small lies we make that will keep us lying to sustain the first lie we made whether we like it or not.

Thus, I have decided to work on that part of me and also talk about it in case anyone is going through the same thing. It's not easy to come here and open up about such things but it's in being vulnerable that we give others the strength to speak up and the hope they need✨🤍.

Slowly by slowly, bits by bits, I'll tell my truths 🥺🤍.

Hey, I am so sorry if I have ever lied to you one way or the other.

Lemmie stop there for now☺️.

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If you protect yourself from the lows,then you will just end up missing out on all the highs too!

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Heyy there tribe!🥺🤎

I hope we are all doing well☺️.

Forgive me for taking a while to leave an entry but I have been at my absolute worst and best physically, mentally and emotionally all together so navigating my way around all that has been a whole rollercoaster 🌞.

I am so glad to be back even in the tough space I am in at the moment ✨.

🌺 Shoutout to everyone that is working to better certain versions of themselves or letting go of certain habits because it's not that easy.

Sending you love and hugs!🤍🤎

Lemmie tell you all before I forget that I finally watched Kinoti perform in person and I have never been more satisfied gosh🤩🤩.

It was so amazing because I even got to meet this really pretty cool and amazing humans as well😍✨.

Just a whole moment of vibes, vulnerability and safeness that was all together fun than I would had expected 🤭🦋.

Shoutout to Kinoti and everyone else that made my night🥺🤎.

💜SONG OF THE WEEK: I have been vibing to Kinoti's Rudi and other songs that mean alot to me in matters memories and the moment in my life they remind of especially in this space I have been in this past fortnight.

Worthy of my song by Phil Wickham and Chandler Moore is definitely worth the listen as well😍❤️.

💜 MOVIE OF THE WEEK: If you haven't watched The In-between then you better get into it right now and bring tissues with you because you will definitely tear up🥺😭.

Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨! So much love for you all tribe❤🦋! God loves you🥰❤! You are doing great❤! I am proud of you🦋🥰! Love and Light!✨❤!