MONDAY BLUES...OR SHOULD I SAY BURNOUT?

4 in the pm of Monday the 7th of February, 2022,

She sits on her bed ready to work on a pending assignment but all she can think about is her go-to playlist for such times,

Her Disney playlist makes her happy and free from all the weight she carries in her,

At least that's how she feels about it.

Nevertheless, she proceeds to listen to the first song on her playlist,

Tears in her eyes but only enough to remain intact there and this made her feel trapped when all she wanted to do was break something or scream.

She begins shaking, her chest feeling heavy,

"Here we go again. I can't breathe!" she says trying to rather suppress it not to spur attention.

Why you'd ask, but I'm sure she's better off keeping that piece of information to herself till she's ready.

"Phew! At least it's over now," she says as she sits again to listen to the now playing song 'Love is an open door' from her personal favorite 'Frozen'.

She begins to wonder how and why she was so happy the past three days and today she just woke up feeling empty and sad.

To be honest, she definitely knows what triggered her but she was disappointed for allowing it to get to her.

This whole time she continually beat herself up for her feelings forgetting that she's human after all,

Wired in her own sensitive and sentimental way and definitely allowed to feel anything and everything.

"Knock knock," one more trigger was asking for entrance but this one was more of a realization.

A song from the same 'Frozen' animation plays and a certain part of it changes her entire perspective,

"Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be,"

"Conceal, don't feel, put on a show, make one wrong move and everyone will know!"

These are the exact words she says to herself, to stop herself from making any wrong move,

A move that comes at a cost of her friends who might decide to leave when they get tired of her often mishappenings, rants, and her flaws in general.

Again, this is how she looked at it from her side.

Just like Elsa, she perceived herself to be dangerous and harmful, a burden rather, so it was better to keep the monsters looked up.

Regardless, her mind has always been a rollercoaster so she now wonders off to her world, eating a post-birthday doughnut she got from a friend.

At this point, she seemed to have gathered enough tears that were now flowing down her pale-looking face, which was by the way brought about by her messed up sleep schedule this past few weeks.

However, this was purely because of the nightmares that kept her from resting peacefully.

From my point of view, I'd say she had innumerable questions.

I am not sure who the target audience was but only a superior power like God was able to at least help her if not answer her.

The tired girl, at the moment, had no strength left to whisper a prayer or maybe she just did not want to.

The pain of her progress hitting the dumps again and the thought of slipping back had consumed her heart.

She was angry, bitter, and extremely mad at herself, maybe God and a few people she'd rather term as anonymous.

At God, maybe because he was watching her slip again yes? Or maybe that's just the underline answer she gave and there was more?

For the anonymous ones, she had various reasons she dimmed petty but that's just her for you.

The girl that will always diminish her feelings for others' wellbeing.

The extra nice girl that would always drop everything for others who never seemed to not give a hoot about her and were unreachable when she needed them the most.

Guys, she kinda reminds me of Sofia the First who was always going above and beyond for anyone from friends, to random strangers and people who did not even like her but always had to struggle alone on her own escapades.

Funny how I missed these details while watching this show back then.

Anyways, she continued to tell me just how much pain she was in after losing someone really close to her to this mental health catastrophe. May her soul rest in peace🕊!

Attached to her heart was a quiver of guilt for feeling like it was her fault she never knew something was going with her.

She broke down as she told me just how much she loved her.

Long story short, she was in a dark space that she ironically felt too comfortable in to leave,

To her, it felt like home, as much as it was taking a toll on her.

Deep down she knew she had to leave sooner or later because the more comfortable you get the more it becomes a part of you and you make it your identity.

Hence, minus the pain, she never had an identity because that's how life had conditioned her.

Here's the twist though, she believed that she had become stronger in her broken pieces to handle this boldly no matter what it takes her to heal.

She believed that the same way she made it through over the years is the same way she will make it through again.

Ladies and gents, she had gotten to tap into her identity minus the pain, and she was not willing to let that go again.

"Buckle up sweetie! We are gonna keep on fighting," she said looking at herself in the mirror.

"Let them in, let them see, be nothing else but you, "

"Don't conceal, Make sure you feel, you don't have to put on a show, make one wrong move and they will embrace you with so much love!"

And with that, she changed the narrative.

Nothing was going to stop her from fighting no matter how long it takes to get back on her feet again.

There will be breaks in between though, to allow her to feel and deal with every emotion and scar...

To be continued!

---

Hi and happy new week mates!🦋🤎

This was just a quick reminder I wanted to leave here for anyone who had made progress but somehow feels like they are slipping back one way or the other. Lovelies, we all get to a point where our feet stop supporting us and beg us to take a break and our hearts pound loudly against our chest, stretched from exhaustion and frustration.

What happens then? Do you push your flayed arms and buckled knees, willing to force them to keep going despite how they bleed?

Honey, make sure you live every season of your life.

For starters, healing is not a bed of roses. You need to fully accept that it is a whole process that takes time. Take a water break when necessary and just rest along the way✨.

📌Fun fact; going back to that dark place only means you never got to let go or deal with the situation as you should have. My loves, it all starts with you❤😊.

Go back and make sure you leave no stone unturned, then learn your triggers and how to get by them because they will always be there.

Be selfish with yourself during this pilgrimage called healing🔆.

This is me realizing I need to read my blogs as well to listen to my own advice aaii😂😂🌚.

📌To be honest, one thing that's keeping me going right now is the realization that I’m not alone. I have found my people who will always be cheering me on no matter what🥰🥺.

Learning to lean on others has been really terrifying for me, especially because I had known isolation and built self-dependence as a coping mechanism🙄😒.

Yes, wearing your heart on your sleeve and trusting others can be frightening, but it has the potential to liberate you😊🤎. Knowing that you do not have to walk through life solely gives your bones resilience💯.

Mountains do not appear to be as intimidating, and valleys do not appear to be as deep.

📌If you are traveling alone, I pray that the Lord will put on your path beautiful hearts that will unconditionally love you, support you, appreciate you, and speak words of life and affirmation over you when you are weak😊❤.

📌But also if God has already put such treasures in your life😊, I hope you have the courage to lean on them and let them in❣. I hope you see that you are deserving of a love that accepts even the darkest parts of you and embraces you regardless🤭❤.

A love that walks with you down the pilgrimage of recovery and healing, never letting go of your hand💯🤎.

Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨!

So much love for you all tribe❤🦋!

God loves you🥰❤!

You are doing great❤!

I am proud of you🦋🥰!

Love and Light!✨❤!