Silently screaming....maybe I need a hug...no conceal it all!

She stood in front of the mirror, tears in her eyes,

Hair unkempt, same clothes she had on two days ago,

Trust me that was the last time she took a shower, actually, I am not even sure that’s it though.

But all I know is it took her so much strength to just get out of the captivity of her bed,

To go have a glimpse of something else other than her phone and pillow,

Driven by the will to escape the scars and her pain even for a moment,

These monsters have her convinced that she has no life outside them,

And that it is impossible to exist without them.

Impossible to get better if she decides not to take those disgusting medications,

Surprisingly, she believes all this, that she needs those tiny and huge black and white and green meds,

She needs them to help her fight the monsters within her that she is afraid of.

So she often stands in front of the mirror missing who she was before everything,

Wishing she could just get over all this soon but she has been trying that for years in vain.

Lo and behold! All I heard next was shatters of a broken mirror,

She ends up breaking the mirror to ease the hatred she felt towards the reflection on the mirror,

Her reflection, the person the monsters had turned her to,

She hated everything about herself, feeling stuck and stagnant no matter what efforts she made to heal,

She stood there looking at the pieces of the mirror thinking how her life was at the same place with that broken mirror,

Shattered with no hope of ever getting fixed or any better.

“Maybe I should just let go and disappear!” she said to herself,

But the thought of the people that needed her to stay convinced her to fight one more night.

I am not sure what she is up to now, but I am sure she is still trying and fighting each day to stay for them.

Hi mates🤎🔆!

Happy happy new month🎉🎉😍😍! December is finally. The season of merry and jolly; tying all loose ends and of course it's a month to my birthday yesssiiirr🎉❤! I wish you all nothing but good vibes and God's blessings. May this month treat you kindly and may we all have at least one memorable memory😊❤. Regardless I hope we are doing well and we had an amazing beginning of December✨. Wueeh mimi tbh guys I have been feeling very stagnant like I have really been trying to step out and like just get better kidogo but all in vain. I don't know who relates but guys hear me out. For instance, you see how you do laundry and then you have to like put your clothes back into the wardrobe and iron or whatever you'll do, I literally have a whole pile of clean laundry on this chair in my room that has not been touched for like two weeks now( Aki don't judge lol😂🙃) This is so unlike me but I literally have zero energy to deal with that among other things. To be honest, it's really becoming exhausting for me because I can't seem to figure out what is going on with me, well of course I know but like I don't know at the same time, gerrit?😂🙄

I talked to someone though and they said it's normal so as I always say, If you are not okay, you are not okay so sending all my love to anyone that relates❤😪 Take a break, rest, and do whatever you need to get back on track as I also figure that out on top of my unending overthinking that has been too much off late. This almost made me skip today's blog because my mind is literally my worst enemy (Working on overcoming this pole pole tu) but I have friends who always know the right things to say to get me going. Thank you so much Mueni🥰❤ We gat this lovelies🥰💯.

📌P.S: I have been jamming to Kitenge by Nviiri like literally the whole day on repeat because someone brought it up and I was like I actually miss that song😍😍 with a blend of the amazing new album "A very Maverick Christmas" by Maverick worship. I definitely recommend it as the season is finally here with us😊🤎

📌So let's get down to today's topic and as usual, we break this down into parts so that we like all understand pole pole yes? Today I will touch on what #Depression is and what it is like for me from a personal point of view. You can always reach out to ask questions or anything🦋❤

Depression is a mental disorder that is characterized by persistent depressed mood or sadness which in turn affects one's daily activities and interests. You can be sad but when that becomes persistent till it affects your daily activities and interests then it becomes more than just normal sadness. Depression has diverse causes and has diverse triggers as well. It happens gradually and never just suddenly and most of the time you never know you are going through depression unless you have been diagnosed before and get a relapse. Why I say relapse is because depression is treatable by professional help that is medication and therapy but once treated and triggered again, a relapse is bound to happen.

My personal cause of depression was certain things I went through growing up that were never dealt with emotionally and mentally but instead just got masked and concealed for one reason or another. I got diagnosed in late 2019 and tbh it was not an easy journey before someone actually pinpointed I was on a losing edge. Dealing with all that on my own, too scared to say I needed help or maybe I had just gotten used to being the only person I could trust myself with. Life had taught me not to depend on or trust anyone else that's not me so I shut the world out hence I just continued to die on the inside each day. The thought of them branding me names or not believing me or even judging me( something that really scares me to date) just gave me more reasons to just be quiet about what I was going through.

Camouflaging is definitely a superpower I have gotten from this experience. I struggle with this to date and what I mean is that I can easily hide my emotions by putting up a mask to look everything else underneath. Trust me, it is not healthy because you get tired of holding it all together so you will break down at one point, and coming back up is t for tuff😪💯

📌Can we talk about the depressants because that was altogether not a good experience. The side effects they had on me just got me more depressed lol😭😶.

For one, they gave me these medications that would boost my appetite since I had stopped feeding completely(Imma explain why as we continue).

With time, my weight just began increasing and there was nothing I could do about it. Honestly, I hated my body so much during that whole process.

I was also so ashamed of taking them around my friends because I never wanted to explain why I was taking pills. But they genuinely really helped me when I could not do any more fighting especially because the nightmares and tears at night reduced at least but I still wanted to give up and let go of everything. The pain and the memories only seemed to disappear and show up unannounced. Lol not me shaking while typing this so I guess we can call it a night yes?🙃🦋

Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨!

So much love for you all tribe❤🦋!

God loves you🥰❤!

You are doing great❤!

I am proud of you🦋🥰!

Love and Light!✨❤!