TOO LOUD TO HUSH!

“It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity"

Criss Jami

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For instance, at times, I could just be sitting down after a day of so much fun and happiness and this very sarcastic voice decides to do what it knows best,

"Sasa you, did you see how people were looking so pretty there? Even Grace didn't want to talk to you but I saw her looking at you in some weird way as if she was talking about you and Irene. I even have a feeling Rodney meant that shade he said because you and I know it's facts but anyways who am I to judge?"

At that moment, I begin to overthink every scenario of that event wondering why I didn't do things differently or say something differently thus forgetting all the good times I had as I chew on my nails and my breathing gets into rhyme with my fidgeting feet and knock, knock panic joins the party!

To be honest, most times I can't even be at peace even at least sane so I pick up my phone and text my friends just to confirm if they meant a word of the shade they said to me and they'll say, "No babe, it was just a banter"

Funny thing is that you thought this would give you peace but now you're busy thinking, "Why did I even ask? I am so sure they think I am so petty now ama what do they even think of me now?"

So my social insecurities just end up being a cycle after a cycle most times, that voice in my head doesn't even go for a work leave guys gosh!

Too loud to hush, too loud yet no one but yourself can hear them,

It could be him or her depending on what scenarios you make up in your head,

Or maybe I am just the weird one because, in certain instances, that voice is very feminine, and in other instances, it's a very masculine voice,

It's crazy how insecurities can be lounder than the Confidence Association of Thyself(our inner confidence),

It's crazy how that voice in your head can push you to certain unhealthy traits and habits,

Personally, I built a wall with my insecurities that I never allow anyone to cross,

I can never help it at times because the fear of getting hurt or having one of my insecurities used against me is always my protection,

A weakness or in my case certain weaknesses are protected inside that wall so when anyone tampers with that, my weaknesses and flaws will be revealed,

Because I mean who wants people to see those parts of them that seem rather messy and unfit and unworthy and insufficient.

Surviving each and every day, trying to accomplish certain things with a voice in your head, whispers in your ear like the devil on your shoulder only that this one, is putting you down and reminding you just how rotten or short or plump or skinny or tall or unworthy or too much or unqualified you are for certain things in your life.

"Megan you're too peng and very capable of certain things, I don't get why you'd be insecure"

No one talks about how you stand in front of that mirror after getting ready every day and that familiar voice begins to tell you how you look basic in that outfit, or how your hair is not held perfectly, or how the fat in your stomach is protruding,

A whole non-ending moment that can sometimes make you text your friends and say something came up so you can't make it.

One time I remember I was going to a wedding with my godmother and I was in a dress I really love so in my eyes, I looked so peng that even when I looked at myself in the mirror, I was so sure that Miss Voice was stunned as well because all I could hear was her gassing me up or so I thought.

Later on, after the wedding, I took pictures and posted them on my Whatsapp status and my Instagram, and well everyone had all good things to say about it till I think a month later.

Ladies and gents, this girl we will call Sandy Cheeks, I went with to my former 844 school texts me on Whatsapp and I was mad surprised because we weren't that close after a whole shebang I had with her and I got really hurt so I just distanced myself and she goes to ask me, "I just thought to check up on you because I saw a certain picture and you looked pregnant!"

Guys, if she met a certain version of me, an older one, I would have definitely cried I promise but this time I just laughed along with that inner voice that was laughing at me as if asking, "Who's laughing now?" only that this time, I was not affected in any way because I knew Sandy Cheeks was only here to do her usual diminishing like she always does because it's always been something she does to me.

I honestly just shaded her back and moved on with my life till someone I never expected as well brought it up and even sends the picture screenshot to me, saying she's sorry because that was what crossed her mind but this one really triggered me guys.

I remember heading over to my Instagram and all I wanted was to remove that picture from my highlights but some words a friend of mine tells me all the time crossed my mind,

"You can never be in control of what people think or say about you and it is never your fault"

With that, I just wiped the tears from my eyes that were flowing intensely because of the voice that was killing me inside and left the highlight there.

"You're not worth it, you're not enough, you're not good enough for that project, you're not smart enough, you're not as talented as him or her, she's better than you, just give up"

These are things we often hear almost on a daily,

Words that end up stirring insecurities that cause greater monsters inside us that are always ready to devour us when given that chance.

They manifest inside us because these are fears and worries about certain things either because we feel inadequate ourselves, or we are afraid we will lose our people when they discover our weaknesses or they can even hurt us by using them to their own advantage.

This constant worry gives them the power to evolve even stronger each day and the impact becomes mightier with each passing day.

However, for how long more?

For how long will we keep on wondering in the pits of self-doubt?

For how long will we keep on hiding, running, masking, and holding our guard up every day of our existence?

For how long will we keep on holding back from hobbies, talents, and great opportunities because we dim ourselves less talented or unworthy?

For how long will we stop ourselves from wearing those beautiful, bodycon dresses or that outfit we badly wish to wear because we hate or feel uncomfortable because of certain parts of our bodies?

For how long will we let that voice in our head, that whispers from our shoulders stop us from really living life and being happy while at it because we are going for everything we want for ourselves knowing we deserve every bit of it?

For how long will we keep on questioning every genuine intention and every genuine person that just wants to love us or be there for us because we are convinced people are always gonna switch up on us? For how long will we let life pass us by because we are afraid and anxious about the uncertainties of the future and life in general?

"When you spend so much time protecting yourself from the lows, you just end up missing out on the highs too"

Insecurities, those voices in our heads, are always going to be a constant part of our lives.

I once watched a movie and the lead actress said that with time you just learn to live with that voice, that constant sense of doubt, and in return, you just become stronger and you outgrow the intensity of its impact with each passing day.

You learn to respond differently and maybe you even learn the trick of being louder to yourself than that voice.

No one said it's gonna be easy but we take hope in the times we have seen ourselves coming out stronger and happier after overcoming certain insecurities in our lives.

Moreover, It all comes down to accepting that we're all perfect and unique in our own ways whether messy or not.

These parts of us no matter how scary and painful, these scars, fears, uncertainties, flaws, and messes make us human.

They make up every part of who we are even if it's the tiniest of ways and we have to learn to live with them and not to ignore them or mask them up,

Accepting and appreciating these parts of who we are gives them less power over us thus they become less impactful negatively because now we get to recognize, acknowledge and understand them as part of who we are and who we will become in the future.

I hope we all learn to be louder and more kind to ourselves than that voice that constantly tears us down.

“Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.” ― Fiona Apple

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Hello tribe!😍🤎

Happy happy end of May guys and I am so happy that each and every one of you has made it to the end of the month!🤩🥰

I hope we are all doing well and keeping warm, sane and happy!🦋✨

On my end, things have just been meh!

I have been in a very stagnant phase of my life and kidogo in a pit of so much self-doubt that has been going on for a while now juu heeh I have no idea how thoughts can make you so frustrated that you cry for days lol but I guess there's been progress and good times as well around people that are good vibes that just uplifted my spirit.

I guess that's why I took a while again to blog juu the energy was not energizing and the mind was just not minding heeh!😂🙃

Regardless, I had purposed in my heart to blog an entry before the end of this mind and I am so happy I have finally done it!🎉❣

Shoutout to everyone that is having a hard time making a decision that is so important and to everyone that is wallowing in self-doubt and beating themselves up to much. I hope you get clarity on what decision to make and for my self-doubt people, I hope you realize just how much God-given potential you have in you. Sending all my love and hugs!🦋🥰

🤎❤WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR THIS MONTH?🤎❤

I am super grateful for life and good health.

I am grateful for family and for the gift of amazing friends.

I am grateful for the experiences and the lessons I learned from each one of them.

I am grateful for all the precious moments I got to smile and be happy even in the smallest of ways.

I am grateful for healing progress no matter how small.

I am grateful for glowing skin damn!!!😊😍

SONG SUGGESTION❤: Marry you twice by Charisma Kula tatu by Wanaovokali Like that by Jp Saxe September by James Arthur because I used to love this song so much back in the day! MOVIE SUGGESTION❤: Stranger things has been it for me this week! Enjoy!!!🎉🎉🤩🤩🔥🔥 Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy today's entry✨! So much love for you all tribe❤🦋! God loves you🥰❤! You are doing great❤! I am proud of you🦋🥰! Love and Light!✨❤!